How to manage parent preferences at bedtime

For the majority of the families with whom I work who have children toddler to preschool age, there is often a preference of one parent over the other.  I find that it doesn’t necessarily matter if one parent is a stay at home parent currently or maybe was in the past.  These are preferences that develop over time.  As you move deeper into toddlerhood, these preferences become more pronounced.  Anyone who has spent periods of time around toddlers knows that they can be very opinionated and persistent little people.  They know what they want and can be very stubborn when it comes to getting what they want.  These preferences can present in all different circumstances from who they will allow to help them put on their shoes to who can hand them a cup of milk or who can push their chair into the table for a meal.  Bedtime especially is a time where this is particularly relevant. 

When you are the only one who can help your child with any of their many needs, it can both become oppressive to the “preferred parent” and the “less preferred parent” often feels rejected.  Not to mention that resentment can grow between the parents when there is a perception of increase inequality, leading to one parent doing more of the heavy lifting then the other.  I do want to be very clear that this experience does not mean that your child loves one parent more then the other.  It is actually a sign that your child is well attached to the less preferred parent because they know that they can “reject” that parent, but they know that the parent will still love them.  Although not always, I have also found that preferred parent scenarios often arise when one parent is suddenly less available, sometimes as it happens when a new baby sibling arrives on the scene.  If mom is now less able to be present at specific times of the day, due to the demands of newborn care, dad may become the preferred parent while mom is rejected.  Many a mom has felt guilt relating to this dynamic.  Rest assured, it can improve over time as everyone in the family adjusts to the new dynamic. 

As it relates to bedtime, I strongly encourage parents of younger children to take turns doing bedtime so that from a younger, less persistent and opinionated age, your child is already accustomed to either parent being able to put the child to bed.  As this continues as they get older, then you can avoid falling into the one parent ONLY pattern.  However, if you are in this spot, have no fear, it can be changed.  Here are some tips to help your child get back into the routine of allowing both parents to participate in daily activities.  I should preface this by saying that life with toddlers, in particular, can feel like a series of many battles. You may feel like you are constantly trying to decide which to pick and which to let slide.  I would advise picking one moment of struggle in the day where your child is being persistent about one parent only being the one to help them and focus only on that until it improves before tackling a different challenge.    

Prepare your child for the change

Start talking about how parents are going to start taking turns doing bedtime.  You are not sharing this information in order to gain your child’s acceptance.  You are just sharing information and letting them know what to expect.  Even if your child looks at you, shakes their head and declares “NO!  Only Dada!,” that is okay.  That shouldn’t deter you or change your plans.  For any child who is in school or daycare, taking turns is a concept that they are already familiar with and usually are amenable to in the school environment. 

Make it visual

Creating a visual cue so that your child knows whose turn it is is helpful so that your child knows what to expect and also is a good way for parents to remember who is up next and will hold you accountable.  A great way to do this is to print out several photos of each parent and using a wall calendar, put a picture of whoever’s turn it is on the day when that parent will be up for bedtime.

Support your child’s feelings

There is likely to be push back here.  That is okay and is to be expected.  It is your child’s job to protest, it is your job to set the limits and follow through with holding them.  Despite the frustration that may come from their less preferred parent putting them to bed, it is not causing them harm to have a parent who loves the being the one who cares for them, even if it isn’t what they want in that moment.  You can let them know “I know that you miss Mommy.  Tomorrow it will be her turn to do bedtime.  Which of these two books do you want to read tonight?”

Hold the line!

This part is essential.  If you have prepared your child for this change and are implanting something new, you should also expect resistance, possibly in the form of a tantrum.  If your child learns that they can throw a big tantrum and that will get the other parent to show up, then you had better bet that they will have learned that this works, and this is how to make that switch happen in the future.  Please hold your ground and do not cave.  You may have to wait out the tantrum and just be present while your child is mad.  When they have realized that their behavior doesn’t get you to chance yours, things will improve.  I actually find that once the “less preferred” parent has been incorporated, children actually behave better for that parent then the “preferred parent” because they often want that parent’s attention less.  Go figure 🤷‍♀️